Everyone has their own definition of happiness.
And everyone says to never depend on another for that happiness.
I would hear this and think to myself, “You don’t know me. You can’t tell me what does or does not make me happy. You don’t know him…”
And I’m glad. I’m glad those people never knew you. Or at least knew you like I did. You were a dream to me. You were everything I thought I ever wanted. And in the end, you turned out to be nothing I’ll ever want or ever need again. You drew me in like a moth to a flame, like an enticing cake just waiting to be devoured. I dreamed so many dreams that included you. Dreams of a great life that included an engagement, a wedding, and the perfect, picturesque family. You called me foolish for dreaming those things. That should’ve been my first warning. When you told me you’d never marry and that you’d make a horrible husband and father. That should’ve been my second warning. After 8 years together, it’s what I wanted, nay, what I (thought) I needed. I convinced myself day in and day out that the things that you said and did was what made you, you.
The night we broke up for good, I cried myself the 600+ miles I drove to see you for a few hours (in a hotel bar no less) so that we could say goodbye face-to-face. I called my best friend sobbing, telling him that I wanted to run my car off the road and into a concrete barricade because I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it. A life where we didn’t talk everyday. A life where we wouldn’t listen to Biggie and rap all the words to our favorite songs. A life where my dreams didn’t have you in it.
But now. Almost a year later, I can imagine a life without you. Don’t get me wrong. When I’ve had one-scotch-too-many, your voice comes ringing back into my head, but that’s nothing a goodnight’s sleep (and plenty of water and ibuprofen) can’t fix. My heart no longer skips a beat when I see someone who looks like you or sounds like you. It no longer yearns for your touch, but most importantly, it no longer feels like it’s in a trillion pieces.
You never understood the measures I took to try and be absolutely
perfect for you. You never will. I don’t even really understand it myself anymore either. I still can’t believe that I chased you when you made it perfectly clear that you no longer cared. I guess all the cheating should’ve been a sign. I was naive and dare I say, ignorant to who you truly were. I had been warned more than once by more than one person… My heart always got the better of my 135 IQ score head when it came to you… Even during the times you abused and abandoned me…
But this letter to you is not to bring up the past. It is to let you know, that I am no longer angry. I am no longer resentful. I no longer hurt because you are no longer the person that I knew when we first met. You are now someone I don’t even recognize… Your values and morals always coincided with mine, and now? Now you are someone I cannot even acknowledge because you are nothing more than a simple stranger to me. I no longer wish to talk to you. I no longer crave your warmth in bed. I no longer dream that captivating smile that you always used with me.
Almost a year later, all I can dream about is doing the things that will benefit me like traveling the world and teaching English. All I can dream about is my future. A future that no longer includes you. And honestly? I’m really, really, loving the way my future is looking. One day, I will meet someone who loves me the way that you were supposed to. Someone who was supposed to protect me the way that you should have. I know that when it happens, it will happen. I’m not rushing that, even though it was so easy for you to do.
I digress. Again, this letter is not to dredge up the past. I don’t want to rush anything and say that I am 100% happy now because if I was happy all the time, that’d be weird. But, I’m content. I’m at ease. I feel… free? Liberated? I can’t find the perfect word right now, but if I could, that’s what I’m feeling. I don’t have to be under your judgmental umbrella and feel worthless all the time. I know that I can pack my bags and move around without the fear and worry of being too far from you. I can leave my phone in the other room without worry of missing your calls or texts. I can finally look up and enjoy the world around me without wishing you were there instead.
There’s only two things that I will ever regret doing to you, but as much as I regret them, I cannot go and change them. A little part of me is glad for that. I’m free of you now. The shackles and chains have finally been broken, my heart feels light, and my mind is now clear. I’m sorry we met so young and parted ways so late. I used to consistently tell you that I would always love and care for you no matter what happened, but now, that would be nothing more than lie. I will not always love you and I will not always care for you, because it would just be wasted on you. However, I will always wish the best for you because we are both human, and well-wishes from strangers are few and far between.
So… goodbye. Good luck. Godspeed to you stranger.